Him.

Words are all I had and he took them from me. It drove me insane, not knowing what to say; to just stare in awe and adoration. All of a sudden there was something I loved more than myself.

Him.

His smile.

His eyes.

His warmth.

Him.

I remember it all. How he looked into my eyes, like we were the only people in the world; the sound of his voice…his laugh. It’s the kinda laugh that reminds you of the good things in life. He didn’t just give my heart wings, he made me want to fly. Flying is not so scary when I know I’ve got him to catch me when I fall. 

© Abirami

18 Already!? – Teenage crisis.

Go back to your childhood for a moment.

Are you there yet? Okay

Think of that one thing you’ve always wanted.

Do you have it now?

Did it change your life the way you expected it to?

All that I have ever wanted is freedom. To become an independent adult, make my own choices and be my own person. I have been over protected all my life and I thought that being a legal adult meant that I would no longer be controlled by anyone or anything. (I know. I’m an idiot.)

This January of 2016 I did turn 18. Huraaaaaah! I can drive. I can vote! what not? The world is my oyster. It was really surreal for the first couple of days. And then, slowly, the excitement died and I saw the unfiltered version of this big “change”. It was everything I did not expect it to be.

You know how when you want something real bad? It seems like the greatest thing in the world. An unsurmountable peak. And then when you finally get it, it’s no big deal anymore. Well, that’s exactly what happened with me. That and some more.

It took a while, but then it hit me. I am an adult. I have responsibilities. I don’t even know the electoral candidates’ last names and I’m supposed to vote. I don’t even have my own bank account, or a job that pays but I swindle money like it grows on trees. All I wanted was passion in my professional life and here I am hating every bit of college.

It’s ironic that I spent all of my life waiting for this part of my life, and now that it’s here, I have no idea how to handle it.

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Maybe being this lost will urge me to find my way.

Sincerely,

The Obsessive Writer.

 

Yours Truly 2#

Our goals, and choices ultimately define who we are. To me, goals are constantly changing. But all of our goals, well my goals, have one common factor: contribution. In the end, we’re all just trying to find our place in this world to try and make a difference. 

There were a lot of things that led me to pick engineering and yes, passion was definitely one of them. For some reason we all believe that the reputation of the school we go to says a great deal about how talented we are once we graduate. I strongly believed that, when I spent a great deal of time working for my exams. 

As a result of all that turmoil, I am currently a student of Computer science Engineering at PSG college of Technology, Coimbatore. Though this name may have some effect on a local or at the most an Indian, it’s just a name to anyone else.

   
 
My first year at college is about to come to an end and what I have come to understand is that, no matter where you go, you’re still going to experience college. If you’re a girl you’re going to experience a lot of drama, maybe some friendship and definitely a lot of fun. I’m honestly grateful to have all this in my life. This has been more educational than anything I’ve done so far. 

It’s been a while since I had a one on one conversation with my faithful readers, so this post has been long over due. You guys are amazing people! I keep coming back to indulge myself in writing because of how responsive you are. Thank you for that. 🙂 

– The Obsessive Writer. 

The End of an Era.

The times have changed.
I know, that’s an over-rated thing to say: especially for me. In the last few months, I’ve been going on and on about how growing up has been all about tough choices, studying to get into college and facing the “world” whatever the hell that is, I’ve taken too long to notice that in a while I’m not going to be in school anymore…

*dramatic pause*

No more skank walks down the hall way with my so called “possy”, no more pranks on innocent bystanders, no more laughing for the dumbest jokes in class, no more having sarcastic things to say about everything and everyone, no more of these amazing people I’ve spent six years of my life with.. And that is going to suck. I know, like they all say, “we’ll stay in touch” but you know that’s not the same. I’ll not be rolling with this crowd anymore and that’s got me feeling nostalgic.

I don’t recollect ever making a huge deal about knowing them. It didn’t even matter. We were all just together for some reason whatsoever. I realize now, how much they truly mattered. How they’re the reason I am who I am. This place, it’s home. And that is where I know my heart will always be.

I feel like this is my practise good bye speech. Man, thinking of the goodbyes is sort of making my heart ache, quite literally. I’ve never liked goodbyes. But, something tells me these guys can come up with some sort of a interesting twist to just about anything. Oh well, here’s to another beautiful day of high-school or what’s left of it! 😀

A Walk Down the Memory Lane…

It is more annoying than ironic. You know, those times when you’re not supposed to be doing something, but everything else you do just reminds you of that thing? Those of you, who saw the sticky I left on my page, might know of my recent cut-back on blogging to work on quality posting. So, every song I listen to, literally everything that happens just gave me something new to write about. I held it in and decided to let my resolution last at least a week. The only thing in my head was, “what am I going to write about then?” As I endlessly pondered over that and scribbled down random ideas onto a post-it, I made up my mind to do myself some justice by actually writing on something, that I feel passionate over right now. At last, the “ah! I get to blog” moment has arrived!

Just a little over a week ago my senior year at school started, and it has not been good. I sit through the English classes where my teacher recites poems that I’d normally enjoy. This one in particular was practically laughing in my face!

 

Tell me not, in mournful numbers

 Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.  

 H.W.Longfellow, A Psalm of Life.                                             

But now, I’m like, enough with the advice. It’s easier said than done. The only thing that even gives me any happiness is reminiscing about the good old days of my 11th grade. Writing is the one other thing that makes me happy so I decided to put it together and give myself a treat of sorts! 😀 High-school is where the adolescence reaches an age of maturity and well, semi-clarity in life. As for me, it was way more than just a year in high-school. Everything I learned, all the friends I made, the better tuned version of myself that I became, it is all that made it an unforgettable year. Being a teenager has its own perks. In all these years of growing up I’ve had some of the most epic ones at that!

All the days I spent laughing with my friends at the “supposedly cool” people who were so obviously lame, I still remember how my stomach hurt from all the laughing. The inside jokes with my bestie was my favorite part. The knowing laughs, all those hysterical days, I know I’ll always treasure them and then, those hormonal days. Now that I think of them all I can do is laugh at my own delusional self. Each day I spent living every Taylor Swift song ever made, I’ve got to say, they were admittedly exciting. 😀 The girl drama I didn’t enjoy but turned out to excel at as though it were some inborn trait, the friendly feuds, the gangs and oh my teachers! The recollection has just got me so emotional right now.

Ashtrays and heartbreaks

I lost some, let’s toast to one

so raise a glass to the memories

set ‘em free and fill up all those ashtrays,

fill up all those ashtrays.

–  Miley Cyrus, Ashtrays and Heartbreaks.

As exciting as the world sounds, it also seems quite scary. Not having my people around is going to be a lot of change, not being in school, I mean. When I realize that this is all just for another year, I just sit here with an empty feeling inside of me. As I go on filling up my ashtrays, there is this positive part of me that thinks maybe things will be different. Change can be good or bad. It all depends on how one looks at it. Maybe there are more than just “Big bad wolves” out there. Maybe I’ll have a decent life for myself. Ah, the maybes, so much room to dream, dream of a passionate and exciting life. Whatever has to happen, will happen. For now, I’m just going to plug my headphones on, and travel the road less traveled.

I don’t intend to play it safe

I’ve gotta move to find my place

I wasn’t born for small talk crowds

I know what I want and it’s not in this town

I don’t wanna just survive

I’m gonna hit the road,

I’m gonna drive

I’ve hit the highway

And I’m not coming home,

I’m gonna drive

– Vanessa Hudgens, Drive.

I CAN

Life is good until people start telling you what to do. I mean, what is up with that?   Where do they get off thinking that they can actually judge your capabilities. They seem to confuse outright dictation with advice often and it’s got to stop. I’m in my 12th grade and getting into college is the only thing this year is all about. So, now, apparently everyone has an opinion on where I should go.

I accept defeat. I’m not calm or composed anymore! Their constant annoyance has finally got me. It’s got me real good and I’m officially panicking, questioning my potential and all the other fun stuff. I hit a new low today. A point where I started convincing myself that the ordinary, average choices of careers aren’t all that bad.

To me, the worst thing ever would be – being titled average. All my life I was the exceptional one. How does one accept being average after that? I don’t understand the world either. Have I simply stopped being myself anymore? Is that why they generalise me? If this is them trying to scare me into studying, they better not hope for me to be grateful later. Because I’m seriously not feeling it. 

So let me make it clear to everyone out there including “them”. I know this year is important for my life. I know I need good scores to go get into a good college and choose a rewarding career. I’ll work my butt off for it, give it my all. I’ll ace every paper I’m given. I’ll choose the career I want, only because that’s what I want for myself. (emphasis on the I) I’ll be someone the world never forgets, I know I will. To every single one of “them” out there who think I can’t, all I have to say is,

I CAN.

YOURS TRULY

                          Aaaaand I’m back! B) Man I’ve always wanted to do that! So, um, anyway, I know its been pretty long since i wrote. So to the people out there: If you guys actually read my blog I apologize for this whole spacing out. Its been a long time since I last wrote down what i felt. I guess I chose to right now because I kinda have a French final tomorrow and well procrastination is the writer’s delight, is it not? I’ve been up to a lot of stuff lately. Lots of changes. LOTS of new people, lots of new relationships. And yes, imminently lots of new things to get myself down about. But no, that doesn’t exactly have to be a bad thing. ‘Cause I believe that there’s no point in figuring out if your life is happy or sad. What’s more important is knowing your life is exciting and eventful rather than well, boring.

                        The new experiences from the new people have taught me a lot of things and have also made me admit to myself and the world several things that I never would before. Self-actualization…It’s the dream, right? As always I’m still in awe with life. The heartbreaks and disappointments do keep coming but my excitement isn’t dead yet. People keep saying that I’m innocent and maybe that’s why I’m happy with life despite what it throws at me. Maybe some day I’ll be cynical and jaded like ’em too. But for now all I see around me is a beautiful world with so many many opportunities to seek and a lifetime to experience. 

                           I think it’s time for a confession now. I probably didn’t write because wordpress has been a bit screwed up lately. For about two months none of my blogs got published and I got no response. I lost a great deal of confidence. As ashamed as I am to admit this, its time I did. I’ve insecurities too. I know, it’s no big deal ’cause everyone has insecurities. I just happen to be one of those people who don’t quite like admitting stuff. 😀

                         These three months I’ve been so busy worrying about the “Lameness” of my blog that I forgot about the reason I started writing in the first place. I wrote ’cause I loved it. This was, and still happens to be my most favorite thing to do with my time. I’m at ease when i write, I feel completely safe and in control of what is happening. Besides, I like how I feel when I write because everything is so picture perfect. We all know just how much I LOVE sounding like a smartass. 😉 I just to remind myself of all these things to shed the insecurities and write again. I hear ya! It did take quite long for me to realize all this. Nevertheless I am here now. And, what’s a writer without insecurities and other weirder emotional problems. 😀

                          Just because I haven’t been writing doesn’t mean my brain was on hold the past three months. oh, no. It’s been buzzing harder than ever. I constantly drift into these extremely long trains of thought. I’ve been questioning the origin of the universe and all the other fun stuff. Right now I’ve gotta say there is just one thing that’s on my mind pretty much all the time. College. I’m almost done with my 11th grade now. It’s just one more year then I’m off to college. It’s a new world out there and I don’t have a clue about it. That’s pretty hard for me because I’m the kinda person who never sets foot into anything without a whole pile of clues. 

                             The whole idea of having to start over. Again just frightens me. I’ve had to change many schools. It was only from my sixth grade my life was stable. So, now when I think that I’ve to go through that again in probably a different city it just leaves this huge knot my stomach. There are just so many questions in my head that it’s a wonder I don’t have ears shaped like question marks yet. These friends I’ve made, they’re kind of hard to let go. I get attached pretty quickly and 6 years is a long time. I know they’re irreplaceable. I just want people who can be at least nearly as awesome as them. 

                         Also, most importantly college is like the beginning of adulthood around here. More the freedom, more the vulnerability. I can see so so far ahead. I’ll have a job after college. Then it’ll be just me leading my own life. It’s all just so breathtaking. I’m just grateful for this feeling inside of me. As people say, “my innocence” that has me excited about everything. The only thing I have to say to anyone going through what I am would be to stay innocent. “Cause it’s a great feeling. Sometimes all you need to face the scariest of changes is that gut feeling that everything is going to be okay anyway. 

That’s all for now. Adios people. Or, is it Au revoir? 😀