Inside Out

I write away my sorrow

It is the only way I know.

Spilling ink thicker than blood.

Leaving behind words in place of scars. 

They said, Be the change and the world will follow.

I pretend to be reborn.

I tell myself that I am the change.

And the world did follow,

On Instagram to mock at my expense.

Some people see a few familiar faces and call it home.

What if I need to look at hearts and not faces?

When I look through those chunks of rock

Will I still be able to tell them apart?

This mind of mine colourfully black and white,

Scatters them into piles of two

They all judge me for my depth

Some look at my pockets and some my poetry. 

© Abirami

18 Already!? – Teenage crisis.

Go back to your childhood for a moment.

Are you there yet? Okay

Think of that one thing you’ve always wanted.

Do you have it now?

Did it change your life the way you expected it to?

All that I have ever wanted is freedom. To become an independent adult, make my own choices and be my own person. I have been over protected all my life and I thought that being a legal adult meant that I would no longer be controlled by anyone or anything. (I know. I’m an idiot.)

This January of 2016 I did turn 18. Huraaaaaah! I can drive. I can vote! what not? The world is my oyster. It was really surreal for the first couple of days. And then, slowly, the excitement died and I saw the unfiltered version of this big “change”. It was everything I did not expect it to be.

You know how when you want something real bad? It seems like the greatest thing in the world. An unsurmountable peak. And then when you finally get it, it’s no big deal anymore. Well, that’s exactly what happened with me. That and some more.

It took a while, but then it hit me. I am an adult. I have responsibilities. I don’t even know the electoral candidates’ last names and I’m supposed to vote. I don’t even have my own bank account, or a job that pays but I swindle money like it grows on trees. All I wanted was passion in my professional life and here I am hating every bit of college.

It’s ironic that I spent all of my life waiting for this part of my life, and now that it’s here, I have no idea how to handle it.

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Maybe being this lost will urge me to find my way.

Sincerely,

The Obsessive Writer.

 

Yours Truly 2#

Our goals, and choices ultimately define who we are. To me, goals are constantly changing. But all of our goals, well my goals, have one common factor: contribution. In the end, we’re all just trying to find our place in this world to try and make a difference. 

There were a lot of things that led me to pick engineering and yes, passion was definitely one of them. For some reason we all believe that the reputation of the school we go to says a great deal about how talented we are once we graduate. I strongly believed that, when I spent a great deal of time working for my exams. 

As a result of all that turmoil, I am currently a student of Computer science Engineering at PSG college of Technology, Coimbatore. Though this name may have some effect on a local or at the most an Indian, it’s just a name to anyone else.

   
 
My first year at college is about to come to an end and what I have come to understand is that, no matter where you go, you’re still going to experience college. If you’re a girl you’re going to experience a lot of drama, maybe some friendship and definitely a lot of fun. I’m honestly grateful to have all this in my life. This has been more educational than anything I’ve done so far. 

It’s been a while since I had a one on one conversation with my faithful readers, so this post has been long over due. You guys are amazing people! I keep coming back to indulge myself in writing because of how responsive you are. Thank you for that. 🙂 

– The Obsessive Writer. 

A Run-In with Happiness

Today was different. It started at 5 AM this beautiful and very sleepy morn. I woke up sulking just like every other day and as I continued my life long battle with Physics. There I was flipping through those never-ending pages and I suddenly realized how much I loved it all. Yes, I did wonder if I’d finally lost it after all the sleep deprivation, but no, this was real. I was happy not the kind of happy that just blows over in a while, but happy, for real.

I have never been glad about being force fed every bit of math and science a 16 year old can take. In India we don’t have much liberty to choose our subjects at school. Physics, Chemistry and Math have been with me for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been good at school but I never really did any of it because I wanted to. My grades were just a necessity to get out of school to a college of my choice so that I could finally choose for myself what I wanted. And I imagined what I’d want would be free of all sciences or math of any kind.

I guess, I never realized how much I loved what I did because I had it all thrust upon me. For the first time in my life I was happy. Not because of the hope that things will get better soon but because things were already okay. And that happiness felt the happiest of all.

The End of an Era.

The times have changed.
I know, that’s an over-rated thing to say: especially for me. In the last few months, I’ve been going on and on about how growing up has been all about tough choices, studying to get into college and facing the “world” whatever the hell that is, I’ve taken too long to notice that in a while I’m not going to be in school anymore…

*dramatic pause*

No more skank walks down the hall way with my so called “possy”, no more pranks on innocent bystanders, no more laughing for the dumbest jokes in class, no more having sarcastic things to say about everything and everyone, no more of these amazing people I’ve spent six years of my life with.. And that is going to suck. I know, like they all say, “we’ll stay in touch” but you know that’s not the same. I’ll not be rolling with this crowd anymore and that’s got me feeling nostalgic.

I don’t recollect ever making a huge deal about knowing them. It didn’t even matter. We were all just together for some reason whatsoever. I realize now, how much they truly mattered. How they’re the reason I am who I am. This place, it’s home. And that is where I know my heart will always be.

I feel like this is my practise good bye speech. Man, thinking of the goodbyes is sort of making my heart ache, quite literally. I’ve never liked goodbyes. But, something tells me these guys can come up with some sort of a interesting twist to just about anything. Oh well, here’s to another beautiful day of high-school or what’s left of it! 😀

Who I wanna be.

When we’re down, every little flaw around us is obvious. Even a tiny bump in the road can seem like a matter of concern. I get so pissed sometimes.. for absolutely nothing. Must be all the studying I’m having to do lately. All the time away from my people. I get murderous every time my Giraffe of a benchmate hides my view of the cute guy or when one of my naturally annoying teachers decide to be a little more annoying. As I drown in that ocean of contempt for literally “every fucking thing”, comes along math class to resuscitate me.

No, I was never a huge fan of Math. Didn’t like it, didn’t hate it. This year, however, it’s different and THAT I’m grateful for. I’ve met a lot of people in my life. Interesting, good, bad, lame, moral, and on goes the list. But, never have I ever met someone like my Math teacher. He is hands down the best Math teacher there ever will be and also happens to be an even more exceptional person. Exceptional enough to have me waiting for Math class every day.

We see flawless people on TV everyday. I do, I mean, I’m a Sherlockian! But this is my first encounter with such flawlessness in reality. I can’t even begin to understand how someone with accomplishments this huge, could be so kind, down to earth. In a world where children are considered to be hilariously inferior to adults, this man treats us like we matter. Perhaps it’s all of his well earned respect, that makes it seem like impressing him with our potential will be one of our greatest achievements. We don’t know much about his personal life, or his life out of school itself to begin with. The thing is, I don’t think anyone cares! He is our Math teacher and how he is with us is all that matters.

All my life I had the idea that image was everything. Knowing how to handle people and getting them to think, what I’d like them to think of me was my life’s goal because I come from a generation where everyone admire good looking people with a sharp tongue and “cool stuff”. I see the vanity in all that now.

Character is everything. When no one who knows you would want to change a thing about you, THAT’s respect and THAT is the respect I hope to earn someday. If a person can make even MATH seem interesting, then THAT is the kind of people’s skill I’d like for myself. If I am ever known as somebody, someone like him is who I wanna be. What about you?

A Walk Down the Memory Lane…

It is more annoying than ironic. You know, those times when you’re not supposed to be doing something, but everything else you do just reminds you of that thing? Those of you, who saw the sticky I left on my page, might know of my recent cut-back on blogging to work on quality posting. So, every song I listen to, literally everything that happens just gave me something new to write about. I held it in and decided to let my resolution last at least a week. The only thing in my head was, “what am I going to write about then?” As I endlessly pondered over that and scribbled down random ideas onto a post-it, I made up my mind to do myself some justice by actually writing on something, that I feel passionate over right now. At last, the “ah! I get to blog” moment has arrived!

Just a little over a week ago my senior year at school started, and it has not been good. I sit through the English classes where my teacher recites poems that I’d normally enjoy. This one in particular was practically laughing in my face!

 

Tell me not, in mournful numbers

 Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.  

 H.W.Longfellow, A Psalm of Life.                                             

But now, I’m like, enough with the advice. It’s easier said than done. The only thing that even gives me any happiness is reminiscing about the good old days of my 11th grade. Writing is the one other thing that makes me happy so I decided to put it together and give myself a treat of sorts! 😀 High-school is where the adolescence reaches an age of maturity and well, semi-clarity in life. As for me, it was way more than just a year in high-school. Everything I learned, all the friends I made, the better tuned version of myself that I became, it is all that made it an unforgettable year. Being a teenager has its own perks. In all these years of growing up I’ve had some of the most epic ones at that!

All the days I spent laughing with my friends at the “supposedly cool” people who were so obviously lame, I still remember how my stomach hurt from all the laughing. The inside jokes with my bestie was my favorite part. The knowing laughs, all those hysterical days, I know I’ll always treasure them and then, those hormonal days. Now that I think of them all I can do is laugh at my own delusional self. Each day I spent living every Taylor Swift song ever made, I’ve got to say, they were admittedly exciting. 😀 The girl drama I didn’t enjoy but turned out to excel at as though it were some inborn trait, the friendly feuds, the gangs and oh my teachers! The recollection has just got me so emotional right now.

Ashtrays and heartbreaks

I lost some, let’s toast to one

so raise a glass to the memories

set ‘em free and fill up all those ashtrays,

fill up all those ashtrays.

–  Miley Cyrus, Ashtrays and Heartbreaks.

As exciting as the world sounds, it also seems quite scary. Not having my people around is going to be a lot of change, not being in school, I mean. When I realize that this is all just for another year, I just sit here with an empty feeling inside of me. As I go on filling up my ashtrays, there is this positive part of me that thinks maybe things will be different. Change can be good or bad. It all depends on how one looks at it. Maybe there are more than just “Big bad wolves” out there. Maybe I’ll have a decent life for myself. Ah, the maybes, so much room to dream, dream of a passionate and exciting life. Whatever has to happen, will happen. For now, I’m just going to plug my headphones on, and travel the road less traveled.

I don’t intend to play it safe

I’ve gotta move to find my place

I wasn’t born for small talk crowds

I know what I want and it’s not in this town

I don’t wanna just survive

I’m gonna hit the road,

I’m gonna drive

I’ve hit the highway

And I’m not coming home,

I’m gonna drive

– Vanessa Hudgens, Drive.