The Privilege of Kindness

Countless birthday candles and shooting stars,

I was raised to dream endlessly,

Believe that nothing was beyond the realms of possibility.

Perhaps that is what my love for stargazing was born of,

Opportunities to make wishes;

Stroll down the path of life without dismissals.

Growing up with everything you wish for,

Makes it mundane to want,

Ask a world taunted by needs, and anticipate it to grant.

Little did I know,

Of the long ways I had yet to go.

Little did I know,

Of the storm that had to pass before one could see the rainbow.

Life isn’t as pretty, as the poems claim it to be.

Life hadn’t been as kind to most, as it had been to me.

Most people are given less than they deserve.

And in the face of brutal inequality, they are expected to survive.

Those of you, with your pockets full of wishes,

Spare some for those who may need it more to go on.

The greatest thing you can do with the kindness you were shown,

Is send it forward to those, who haven’t had as many stars to wish upon.

© Abirami

When I was younger and I was faced with the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up, it was never a career path that came to mind. To be good. That has always been the goal. And what is good? Who is a good person? There are so many different answers. But they all boil down to the idea of acceptance. A good person is someone who simply goes out of their way to avoid making someone else’s life harder. Will you be remembered as a good person if you’ve hurt the life of another? Well, it is human to err. So what is unequivocally good then? It is simply to try your best. To try your best to accept those who are different from you. To try your best to do right by your loved ones. To try your best to forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made and seek redemption. To be good, is to try. And try I will. I hope you do as well.

– The Obsessive Writer

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Make Some Art for the Artist

What happens to art when it stops being for the artist? While the world loves a good crowd pleaser, we don’t really make room in our hearts for pretenders. I started writing – I don’t even know how many years ago. It was just, what I did.

“Oh that girl? Yeah, she writes on her blog and stuff”

When did I stop taking pride in being referred to that way?

When you’re good(well, subjectively speaking) at something, it is just expected that you make something out of it. You’re good at kicking things? you’re expected to try and eventually become a professional football player. You can stab something and watch it bleed without passing out? Maybe go study to be a surgeon then. In all seriousness, that’s what talent is: a conjuror of expectations. Both to the world and oneself. When these expectations are not satisfied, what IS talent, but a crippling burden? Do you know what’s worse than feeling talentless? It is knowing you’re good, but not good enough. Having flown so high, only to drop before you could taste the stars.

So I ended up studying to be an engineer. I learnt all those mathematical principles. I’ve got to put them to use somewhere, right? When you can’t find the solution to a complicated problem, you don’t always have to move forward. You can take a step back, move in a different direction, compare outcomes and go with the better alternative. Heard of backtracking, bitches? Sorry. I get defensive when the nerd comes out. So lets all take step back together. 1-2- cha cha- huh?

What if you don’t “fail”?. What if, you’re really good at something and make it in that scene? What if I’d become the greatest blogger in the world? Would that have guaranteed satisfaction? Would have I kept writing and loved every second of it? Wait a minute, success never had anything to do with why I started writing in the first place. I wrote because I loved to read; because writing is the best experience I’ve had at feeling; writing was breathing. And I’m guessing all the psychos who started stabbing when they were kids loved doing it later in life even if they weren’t doing it in operation theatres. This “expected outcome” was NEVER part of the experience. People who develop these so-called “talents”, most often do not really set out to do so. They were just doing what they loved, and had a natural competence for it or the desire to try.

I’m here, months, maybe years later, with my complete mental calibre and sense of humour intact, telling you to go do a bit of what you love, for you. Life’s really short and unpredictable as recent worldly events have reminded me. Regardless of how far you’ve come, regardless of what people think, make some art for the artist. Because who’s going to enjoy your work more than it’s ideal target audience? You.

-The Obsessive Writer.

Hope Is All Too Common An Ail

What’s going on with the world?

How is everybody at peace?

The depressed are sent to therapy,

But who make no sense are those that are happy.

Your unsuspecting well-wisher,

Wonder what they do, when you’re not around to hear.

Have you ever wondered what everybody thought?

The angel in your mind is someone else’s thot.

You ever try to make a change?

Made empty self promises to never be dubbed deranged?

You ever feel so proud?

Then watch your strength shatter as you’re shot down from that cloud?

Why try when you’re guaranteed to fail?

Hope is all too common an ail.

©️ Abirami

The Self Proclaimed Loner

Even the middle of a mob can be a lonely place

To a self proclaimed misunderstood soul

Do I not know what to say?

My words seem to reach their ears

But all meaning simply echoes away.

Do they live a life so different from mine?

We all feel, bleed and heal

But somehow I feel less important pain.

It’s funny how,

When you’re dealt a bad hand,

And you’re looking for someone to blame,

The first victim is always on the other side of a mirror.

Its tragic how,

You give your all to someone,

And receive nothing in return but shame,

The expectant fate of an obedient giver.

In this particular lonely corner of a crowded room,

I ask myself,

Can a soul be so misunderstood it doesn’t understand itself?

©️ Abirami

Makeup Routine

Every morning like clock work

With the rise of dawn

Arises my need,

The need to cover up.

A few strokes of brushes,

A few dabs of paints,

When I’m done and look in the mirror,

I wonder,

What did I spend all this time covering up?

Imperfections or my identity?

Too bad they don’t make concealer for your personality.

©️ Abirami

Online – Episode #4

What’s a hero without an arch nemesis? In every story you’ve read with a strong protagonist, there’s always a bad guy that keeps them on the right track. It’s funny how the human mind works. We are more motivated to do something, when someone tells us we can’t. It’s easier to focus on fighting for something with all that we’ve got, when there’s someone trying to stop us. Sometimes having an enemy isn’t a bad thing.

Logged on as – agirlwhodreams

March 26th, 2016 – Let the games begin.

As scary as it is, this is also the most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done. You’d understand if you were from a boring old town like me. The only place I’ve ever seen mean girls was on Netflix. My school was full of preachy little kids who were too boring to get into any trouble. This little war thing that’s going on between me and Evilla, has been AWESOME. Ever since she found that note in my locker, it’s like she’s threatened by me. So every day is like a battle for her status as the most desirable girl. It’s hilarious that she think that I would ever be desired by anybody. That note is probably nothing but a prank. But who am I to interfere and burst her bubble? Frankly I’m loving the attention. And most important of all I am loving her melt downs. For instance, the other day, I was in the swimming pool trying to relax and get myself to focus so I could go back to my room and try and study. I’ve always found swimming a few laps to be the most calming thing in the world.

She got wind of the fact that I swim. And apparently someone told her that I was going to try out for the college team. (Which I was so not) So the very next day she made this hilarious attempt to get a spot for herself on the team by flirting with Brandon, the swim team captain. See this is the thing with girls like Evilla. They’re so pretty that they think everyone would just bend over for them. What she did not know was that he was GAY. He obviously shot her down, but she thought he was straight and didn’t want her or something. She’s been moping around all week trying to figure out what Brandon likes. It was with great pleasure that I informed her, that it was boys that Brandon liked. I wish I could have photographed the look on her face.

Didn’t I tell you? This stuff is fun!

347 – Responses

teh-piper : You go girl!

optiongeek : I don’t think “fun” is the word most people use to describe bullies. This is offensive and insensitive to all the people like me who have suffered a great deal at the hands of such bullies. And it was most definitely not fun.

reply to optiongeek by gamer8055 : Dude you’re the only bully here. She’s just being positive. You need to get a life.

drewisawesome : You should have had some more fun messing with her!!

itsmehannah : It’s nice to see you’re doing so well, Mel 🙂

reply to itsmehannah : Hannah!!! 🙂 I miss you. It would be way more fun if you were here with me. You always helped me kick some serious ass 😀

reply to agirlwhodreams by itsmehannah : You mean I kicked ass, while you watched. 😀 Love you girl! – xoxo

March 30th, 2016 – I strongly believe that I am some sort of magnet that attracts insane people.

She won’t leave me alone. Every day, every night. She keeps obsessing over who this secret admirer is. Even I’m over it. Today was the worst yet. We were doing this practise test in class and the teacher said she would consider this for 20% of our final grade. I’m not that good with Analytical Writing. I was struggling already and she made it so much worse. She kept flinging things at me during the test asking me if I sent the note to myself. I tried to ignore her but at one point it got so annoying. I simply caught the pencil she tossed at me and threw it back at her. My teacher saw this and kicked me out while Evilla got off scot-free. Just great. I am definitely going to fail and she is INSANE.

likesporches : You should set her on fire.

reply to likesporches by jackal_6 : You’ve gotto chill bruh.

March 30th, 2016 – How to get away with murder.

Step 1: Lure your victim using a shiny object.

Step 2: Kill them.

Step 3: Chop them into little tiny pieces and blend them into a smoothie and flush it down the drain.

Seriously. I am so vexed right now. I have been begging my teacher all day to let me take a retest. After a lot of pleading she said she’ll give me that retest IF I submit a 10,000 word essay analysing the various figures of speech by the next day. That is a lot of words. All thanks to Evilla. I really am going to kill her. All this for some secret admirer who probably doesn’t even exist? I hate my life.

35 – Responses

gamer8055 : You must be cute when you’re angry.

reply to gamer8055 : WHAT?!

April 1st, 2016 – I think my best friend likes me!! What do I do?

I am freaking out. I have never been more terrified in my life. I just need to calm down for long enough to type all this down so that I can make some sense out of this. So I was whining to Jessica and Andrew about what was going on. And by what was going on I mean my crisis that is Evilla. In case you forgot these two are my only friends here. When we were talking, I mentioned how I thought this whole secret admirer thing was probably a prank and that no one could possibly like me. Suddenly Andrew was like, “Why wouldn’t someone like you?” He said that in the smallest voice. Almost like he was guilty. I have watched way too many romantic comedies and high school movies to not see through this. It all falls into place when I think about it. He’s always been so good to me. He always took my side when Jessica and I disagreed. Guys don’t just do that! IT HAS TO BE HIM. I have no clue what to do.

3023 – Responses

wombatzilla : You’re in some scary territory.

unhappymedium : You need to decide if you like him or not. Please don’t lead him on if the feelings aren’t mutual.

justaredditbrowser : I once dated my best friend. I wonder how he’s doing now. It’s been 15 years since we last spoke.

To be continued…

©️ Abirami

Online – Episode #5

All good things must come to an end. Whether we like it or not, that’s just the way life is. Teenage can feel like the hardest of times. The heightened emotions can really get you in ways you’ve never imagined. They say things get easier if you keep trying. Whoever said that was not talking about being a teenager. There’s no beating it. There is only surviving it.

Survival is more fun with some team work. We all need an A-Team, you know? It could even just be you and another person. Size doesn’t matter. It’s the bond. It’s how well you fit into each other’s storms.

Logged on as – agirlwhodreams

April 4th, 2016 – Trying Times.

The crap has officially hit the fan in my so called excuse for a life. Evilla is out to get me. I am literally failing in class. I think I’m about to lose the only two friends I have because I happen to be a b*tch. And to top it all off, I have to host my cousin who’s visiting in my dorm. Thanks mom! This is exactly what I needed. ANOTHER thing to worry about. It’s cool.

So what’s the quickest and easiest way to get rid of a f*cking tourist?

300 – Responses

itsclareclaire : Things will get better girl. Relax.

itsmehannah : My poor baby.

Reply to itsmehannah by agirlwhodreams : I wish you were here. xoxo.

gamer8055 : Leave them in a deserted subway in the middle of the night. The city should take care of the getting rid of them part for you. You’re welcome. *Insert sinister emoji*

April 5th, 2016 – Why! Just why?

So I just picked up my cousin from the airport. She has an actual list. And the first thing she did was shove it in my face. I had to explain to her that I had something called a “life” and a sucky part of it involves school. After showing her how the subway worked, I came to class to work on those extra credit assignments. I’m dead if I don’t get these right. Getting a good partner assigned is literally crucial to pass. The only kinda people who even bother with these extra credit assignments are mega nerds and dumbass kids who don’t have enough credits to pass. I belonged to that second category right now. Guess who offered to help? Yes. Andrew. My genius best friend. Who might possibly like me. What do I do? I do not want to lead him on.

538 – Responses

Johannaxon : You can get his help without leading him on. Just saying.

Stefi900 : Oh boo hoo. A guy likes you. And he wants to help you. HOW FREAKIN SAD.

Reply to Stefi900 by gamer8055 : Chill dude. You better back off.

April 20th, 2016 – Things are not what they seem.

I’ve been an idiot. Maybe this is what I’ve always done wrong. Even with Jake. (My ex-boyfriend) Every time something’s wrong, I struggle to fix it. But at other times, when nothing is being pointed out to me, I just go on walking onto a burning building like it’s all good and then I complain about getting burnt. I’m not making much sense am I? Well, something happened yesterday that snapped back things into reality. During class the speakers buzzed and the Dean announced that one of my classmates’ father passed away from a heart attack. Let’s call her Salma. He was a healthy adult. Barely 50. Their family did not have much but she was a brilliant student. Salma was on a fully funded scholarship and everything. People often made fun of her, and some even hated her for how talented she was. Even I thought she was obsessed with school work to a toxic level.

After we heard what happened, the entire school went to her house to check up on her. And I saw this new side. She was broken. There was no psychotic drive in her eyes, just sorrow. She wasn’t thinking about the finals we had tomorrow. She wasn’t thinking about anything but her father. To anyone who would lend a ear she told story after story about how funny, thoughtful and amazing her father was. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her make this much social contact.

There are people out there with real problems. I need to grow up.

*Comments Disabled*

April 21st, 2016 – Life is not strange, we are.

We had our finals today. I think I did okay. As expected, Salma didn’t show up. It’s such a shame because she had the brightest future amongst all the students here.

I was still in that same state of mind from yesterday. I decided to conquer my not so scary demons. And Evilla was the first one on the list.

I walked up to her with a resolve to set things straight. I handed her, her metaphorical crown and explained how I could NEVER take her place. And that the only reason someone dropped a note in my locker was to prank me. (Well I knew it was Andrew but she didn’t have to know that) What happened after that was unexpected. She actually smiled. Not a sarcastic, know-it-all, condescending smile but a genuine one. I never thought Evilla would want to call truce so easily.

Next on the list was Andrew. I had a speech rehearsed. It was decisive but soft. I planned to let him down easy. I knew he was by the lockers emptying his stuff out. When I turned the corner into the corridor with the lockers, I saw Jessica and Andrew KISSING. Yes. Turns out he liked her not me. Guess those notes were a prank by some jobless fool after all.

46899 – Responses.

Madazzahatter : Predictable as fuck.

Savvyfudge : I’m glad you finally figured things out. Most girls live their whole damn lives thinking the whole world revolves around them.

gamer8055 : Who calls their own admirer a fool? *Sigh*

May 17th, 2016 – You will not believe this.

I cannot believe I’m one of those corny people who has to say “online” when someone asks how I met my boyfriend.

500035 – Responses

Itsmehannah : WHAT BOYFRIEND?

Jakejones : You’re dating someone new?

KateKlossi : Um? Care to elaborate?

gamer8055 : Leaving those notes made a cute addition to our story didn’t it, babe? C’mon. You’ve gotta give me credit for all that. 😉

Reply to gamer8055 by agirlwhodreams : Yeah yeah super cute. The part where you stalked me online for years before actually speaking to me is way cuter. 😛

The End.

What My Dreams are Made Of

Some people can captivate you with words,

Like the sound of their voice simply resonates with your soul.

Like every thought they utter has crossed your mind.

Like they have discovered in you, things no one else could ever find.

Like them,

I do not aspire to change the world,

Nor do I wish to touch every heart.

I could never be that bold.

My wings could never soar that far.

My dreams are made of simpler things.

In a lifetime of writing,

If I could touch a single life, make a difference to one person,

That is all I dream of; that would be enough.

©️ Abirami

A Search for the Right Way

Is there such a thing?

I’ve always been taught by life and it’s experiences that nothing is ever black or white. Our moral compass if often dunked in shades of grey and we’re left stranded with no sense of direction. I did not think there was a rule book. But lately, it feels like there are indeed some strong indicators that guide us unintentionally.

Whenever I am faced with a difficult choice, there are often two options. One that feels like it might suck immensely, and an easier one. I hate confrontation, or any sorts of negativity so I’ve always ended up picking the easier thing to do. Like not leaving my hometown for college, not ending a bad friendship, just not taking risks.

Maybe the right way doesn’t feel so right? Maybe its when you’ve got that pit in your stomach you’re doing what you’re supposed to. I have reached this point in my life where I feel like nothing can go wrong. Every high or low is just the path I was meant to take to my rightful destination. The only way I’m going to end up where I am supposed to is by doing things the right way no matter the consequences and irrespective of how hard they are.

Seeing as I’ve only got this one life, I might as well get it right.

– The Obsessive Writer

Love Yourself

So many people rant about self-love, and I don’t know about you, but I often wonder things like, “They’re just saying that because they have someone” you know? I’m skeptical to people who have millions of loving people in their lives who talk about self-love being the only love that “matters”. And then there are those perfect, flat stomached, curvy girls who say looks don’t matter so don’t hate your body. Love it for what it is.

We all are in this journey in life to find someone to complete us. Some of think we already found them, some of us never stop looking and some of us hate our lives because we don’t have that someone. What is this someone for, you ask? It is to help bury all those insecurities. Am I pretty enough? Am I skinny enough? Am I funny enough? Am I lovable? Am I fun to be around? We want someone who’s going to answer all those questions in a positive way for the rest of our lives to feed our growing insecurities.

What if you’ve already got that person and you’ve no idea? What if I told you I know who completes you?

It’s you.

Yes, I’m starting to sound like those people who talk about self-love too, aren’t I? Well times have changed and I’ve had some growing up to do. It’s not just one or two but almost everyone who loves themselves seems to have a lot of people who love them. Everyone who feels confident about how they look is often perceived as beautiful and gorgeous. Are you seeing the common denominator here?

Be that person who sits on the bed with yourself and hold your own hand and stop those tears. Learn to cheer yourself up. You were born as a whole and you don’t need someone to complete you. Once you’ve reached that stage where you love yourself whether you lose that 10 kilos or not, those petty things won’t matter. And when you’re around people you’ll start thinking about how they make you feel rather than panicking about whether they like you or not. That’s the day you’ll find love, and friends and people who accept you for who you are. And that’s the day you’ll feel beautiful inside out.

– The Obsessive Writer