Change is Everything.

There are always those times in our lives where we just sit around doubting ourselves. Maybe you failed a test, let a patient die, or just simply make the wrong call at the wrong time. There’s no telling what sets the insecurities in motion, but we all go through it at one point of time. Being yourself is really important. What happens when being yourself conflicts with your own principles? You change. You “right your wrongs”. You keep your eyes wide open and stay vigilant to minimize all possible errors. If the ‘wrong’ is something you possess, you start working to change it, or lose it. Whatever suits you best. 

Change is everything. It is the course of life. In fact, it is life. We’d not exist if it weren’t for evolution. Among all the things that ‘change’ is, it is also bad. At least in my case. Changing the person you are at the very molecule of your being can be disastrous. What started out as a positive effort just ended up turning me into a sad person.

How do you know when you have to change yourself, when you can’t possibly say anything is right or wrong? The alternative would be listing out the pros and con’s, based on what overweighs what, you make your call. Well, that is at least what I did. As shocking as that MAY sound, yes, I’m not entirely pleased with myself. Nobody is. Some of us learn to make peace with it, some of us don’t and the unfortunate lot of us don’t really know enough to begin with. 

Originality, and being real always seemed more important to me than being liked. Like all good things in course of time that changed too. Nobody liked me and I wanted that to change. I was popular, I was adored, admired, I had people wanting to be me, but no one liked me. Maybe it was growing up, maybe it was all that I’d been through. I didn’t want to face the world alone anymore. I wanted that shoulder to lean on, you know? Well, I never wanted to face anything alone, but I was used to it. It was normal, crying myself to sleep, consoling myself, making my own happiness. I guess, being an only child of a broken marriage kind of teaches you all that. It was like, I’d done all my homework and it was time to relax and let go. I wanted someone else to take turns in making my life easier. 

For anything you want, you have to work. Work real hard, even give up something. To get people to like me, I had to change. The price was steep, but the merchandise was just too captivating to live without. I told myself that it was me becoming a better person. I swear to you, I have NO idea what that means, but I told myself that and it actually comforted me. A short temper, is a nasty little thing. No one likes a meany. I am a meany. It’s what I am more than anything else so it naturally was the first on the “has to go” list. I suppressed every surge of fury within me and put up a pretty little smile that had a serious effect on people. Oh, don’t even assume, I’ll never be the sweet little angel. People still think I’m a meany but just, a little less of one now. I tolerated idiots to the might of my will. As infuriating as that was, I told myself I was becoming a better person. 

I never shared. I was convinced that letting out too much gives people more room to make an idiot out of you and basically hold yourself against you. But you can’t make friends unless you share, can you? Away that went. I trusted people with personal things. Even though I knew telling them won’t change a thing, I just did, to let them know that I wanted to tell them. And then I bonded some more. Sharing is a very effective way to bond. There’s nothing that brings people together like sharing. I always spoke more than i listened. So I shut up and put my ears to good use. I’m not stupid, so I understood what they said and gave them a remarkably good response that I always knew I was capable of, it didn’t make me feel any better about myself but them on the other hand it helped. They wanted to talk to me more. Hence, more people. 

This went on and on and on, and now I have quite a LOT of people. People who need me often, so often that it tired me out. My play time after work, now feels like more homework. I now need a play time after my play time. That’s when it all went wrong. Everything that I did for everybody was apparently giving false hope. I was showing them something that didn’t exist. I care, but not that much. I’m nice, but not that nice. I understand, but not that well. I want to, but not that much. At those times where I take a break, everyone realizes it too. And what do they do? Blame me. For all the false hope. When you push yourself for someone, you create expectations. They’ll believe that you can always push harder. It’s that sad kind of ironic now. My ‘wrong’ itself was changing myself. It cost me a lot of happy days, too many unnecessary sacrifices. It end’s now. 

I’m grumpy every morning. I’m lazy. I won’t remember your birthday, I’m just naturally bad with dates. I won’t remember the important stuff you tell me because they may not be important to me. I don’t always explain myself, but you can tell me your problems. I enjoy being sarcastic no matter who it hurts or offends. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I pray. I don’t liked to be hugged, but I’ll hug you if I think I, or you need one. I won’t tell you my entire story, and I don’t care about yours. If you’re funny I’ll laugh, if I feel sorry for you I’ll laugh even when you’re not. I don’t want your opinion on my actions. I’m selfish. I’m diabolical. If you offend me, even unintentionally, I’ll make you regret it. I’m not polite. If you get on my bad side, annoying you will be my favorite hobby. Fairness means squat to me. I’ll do what I please. One day I’ll love you, another day I may not care. But I will always be there for you. There will be no one who can do it better than me. I’ll judge you. I judge your every move. I will always have an opinion but I won’t share it unless I have the necessity to. I’m unstable. My state of mind changes once in every fraction of a second. So, impressing me once, it is of no use. 

This is who I am, or at least a part of it. You want the whole story? you figure it out. All that I have to say is that I wont change. I’ll continue being me and dream of that person who accepts me for everything I am. I think you owe it to yourselves too. To continue being yourselves. Otherwise you’ll never know what YOU really are and what people think of that ‘you’. 

 

YOURS TRULY

                          Aaaaand I’m back! B) Man I’ve always wanted to do that! So, um, anyway, I know its been pretty long since i wrote. So to the people out there: If you guys actually read my blog I apologize for this whole spacing out. Its been a long time since I last wrote down what i felt. I guess I chose to right now because I kinda have a French final tomorrow and well procrastination is the writer’s delight, is it not? I’ve been up to a lot of stuff lately. Lots of changes. LOTS of new people, lots of new relationships. And yes, imminently lots of new things to get myself down about. But no, that doesn’t exactly have to be a bad thing. ‘Cause I believe that there’s no point in figuring out if your life is happy or sad. What’s more important is knowing your life is exciting and eventful rather than well, boring.

                        The new experiences from the new people have taught me a lot of things and have also made me admit to myself and the world several things that I never would before. Self-actualization…It’s the dream, right? As always I’m still in awe with life. The heartbreaks and disappointments do keep coming but my excitement isn’t dead yet. People keep saying that I’m innocent and maybe that’s why I’m happy with life despite what it throws at me. Maybe some day I’ll be cynical and jaded like ’em too. But for now all I see around me is a beautiful world with so many many opportunities to seek and a lifetime to experience. 

                           I think it’s time for a confession now. I probably didn’t write because wordpress has been a bit screwed up lately. For about two months none of my blogs got published and I got no response. I lost a great deal of confidence. As ashamed as I am to admit this, its time I did. I’ve insecurities too. I know, it’s no big deal ’cause everyone has insecurities. I just happen to be one of those people who don’t quite like admitting stuff. 😀

                         These three months I’ve been so busy worrying about the “Lameness” of my blog that I forgot about the reason I started writing in the first place. I wrote ’cause I loved it. This was, and still happens to be my most favorite thing to do with my time. I’m at ease when i write, I feel completely safe and in control of what is happening. Besides, I like how I feel when I write because everything is so picture perfect. We all know just how much I LOVE sounding like a smartass. 😉 I just to remind myself of all these things to shed the insecurities and write again. I hear ya! It did take quite long for me to realize all this. Nevertheless I am here now. And, what’s a writer without insecurities and other weirder emotional problems. 😀

                          Just because I haven’t been writing doesn’t mean my brain was on hold the past three months. oh, no. It’s been buzzing harder than ever. I constantly drift into these extremely long trains of thought. I’ve been questioning the origin of the universe and all the other fun stuff. Right now I’ve gotta say there is just one thing that’s on my mind pretty much all the time. College. I’m almost done with my 11th grade now. It’s just one more year then I’m off to college. It’s a new world out there and I don’t have a clue about it. That’s pretty hard for me because I’m the kinda person who never sets foot into anything without a whole pile of clues. 

                             The whole idea of having to start over. Again just frightens me. I’ve had to change many schools. It was only from my sixth grade my life was stable. So, now when I think that I’ve to go through that again in probably a different city it just leaves this huge knot my stomach. There are just so many questions in my head that it’s a wonder I don’t have ears shaped like question marks yet. These friends I’ve made, they’re kind of hard to let go. I get attached pretty quickly and 6 years is a long time. I know they’re irreplaceable. I just want people who can be at least nearly as awesome as them. 

                         Also, most importantly college is like the beginning of adulthood around here. More the freedom, more the vulnerability. I can see so so far ahead. I’ll have a job after college. Then it’ll be just me leading my own life. It’s all just so breathtaking. I’m just grateful for this feeling inside of me. As people say, “my innocence” that has me excited about everything. The only thing I have to say to anyone going through what I am would be to stay innocent. “Cause it’s a great feeling. Sometimes all you need to face the scariest of changes is that gut feeling that everything is going to be okay anyway. 

That’s all for now. Adios people. Or, is it Au revoir? 😀