A Run-In with Happiness

Today was different. It started at 5 AM this beautiful and very sleepy morn. I woke up sulking just like every other day and as I continued my life long battle with Physics. There I was flipping through those never-ending pages and I suddenly realized how much I loved it all. Yes, I did wonder if I’d finally lost it after all the sleep deprivation, but no, this was real. I was happy not the kind of happy that just blows over in a while, but happy, for real.

I have never been glad about being force fed every bit of math and science a 16 year old can take. In India we don’t have much liberty to choose our subjects at school. Physics, Chemistry and Math have been with me for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been good at school but I never really did any of it because I wanted to. My grades were just a necessity to get out of school to a college of my choice so that I could finally choose for myself what I wanted. And I imagined what I’d want would be free of all sciences or math of any kind.

I guess, I never realized how much I loved what I did because I had it all thrust upon me. For the first time in my life I was happy. Not because of the hope that things will get better soon but because things were already okay. And that happiness felt the happiest of all.

Change is Everything.

There are always those times in our lives where we just sit around doubting ourselves. Maybe you failed a test, let a patient die, or just simply make the wrong call at the wrong time. There’s no telling what sets the insecurities in motion, but we all go through it at one point of time. Being yourself is really important. What happens when being yourself conflicts with your own principles? You change. You “right your wrongs”. You keep your eyes wide open and stay vigilant to minimize all possible errors. If the ‘wrong’ is something you possess, you start working to change it, or lose it. Whatever suits you best. 

Change is everything. It is the course of life. In fact, it is life. We’d not exist if it weren’t for evolution. Among all the things that ‘change’ is, it is also bad. At least in my case. Changing the person you are at the very molecule of your being can be disastrous. What started out as a positive effort just ended up turning me into a sad person.

How do you know when you have to change yourself, when you can’t possibly say anything is right or wrong? The alternative would be listing out the pros and con’s, based on what overweighs what, you make your call. Well, that is at least what I did. As shocking as that MAY sound, yes, I’m not entirely pleased with myself. Nobody is. Some of us learn to make peace with it, some of us don’t and the unfortunate lot of us don’t really know enough to begin with. 

Originality, and being real always seemed more important to me than being liked. Like all good things in course of time that changed too. Nobody liked me and I wanted that to change. I was popular, I was adored, admired, I had people wanting to be me, but no one liked me. Maybe it was growing up, maybe it was all that I’d been through. I didn’t want to face the world alone anymore. I wanted that shoulder to lean on, you know? Well, I never wanted to face anything alone, but I was used to it. It was normal, crying myself to sleep, consoling myself, making my own happiness. I guess, being an only child of a broken marriage kind of teaches you all that. It was like, I’d done all my homework and it was time to relax and let go. I wanted someone else to take turns in making my life easier. 

For anything you want, you have to work. Work real hard, even give up something. To get people to like me, I had to change. The price was steep, but the merchandise was just too captivating to live without. I told myself that it was me becoming a better person. I swear to you, I have NO idea what that means, but I told myself that and it actually comforted me. A short temper, is a nasty little thing. No one likes a meany. I am a meany. It’s what I am more than anything else so it naturally was the first on the “has to go” list. I suppressed every surge of fury within me and put up a pretty little smile that had a serious effect on people. Oh, don’t even assume, I’ll never be the sweet little angel. People still think I’m a meany but just, a little less of one now. I tolerated idiots to the might of my will. As infuriating as that was, I told myself I was becoming a better person. 

I never shared. I was convinced that letting out too much gives people more room to make an idiot out of you and basically hold yourself against you. But you can’t make friends unless you share, can you? Away that went. I trusted people with personal things. Even though I knew telling them won’t change a thing, I just did, to let them know that I wanted to tell them. And then I bonded some more. Sharing is a very effective way to bond. There’s nothing that brings people together like sharing. I always spoke more than i listened. So I shut up and put my ears to good use. I’m not stupid, so I understood what they said and gave them a remarkably good response that I always knew I was capable of, it didn’t make me feel any better about myself but them on the other hand it helped. They wanted to talk to me more. Hence, more people. 

This went on and on and on, and now I have quite a LOT of people. People who need me often, so often that it tired me out. My play time after work, now feels like more homework. I now need a play time after my play time. That’s when it all went wrong. Everything that I did for everybody was apparently giving false hope. I was showing them something that didn’t exist. I care, but not that much. I’m nice, but not that nice. I understand, but not that well. I want to, but not that much. At those times where I take a break, everyone realizes it too. And what do they do? Blame me. For all the false hope. When you push yourself for someone, you create expectations. They’ll believe that you can always push harder. It’s that sad kind of ironic now. My ‘wrong’ itself was changing myself. It cost me a lot of happy days, too many unnecessary sacrifices. It end’s now. 

I’m grumpy every morning. I’m lazy. I won’t remember your birthday, I’m just naturally bad with dates. I won’t remember the important stuff you tell me because they may not be important to me. I don’t always explain myself, but you can tell me your problems. I enjoy being sarcastic no matter who it hurts or offends. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I pray. I don’t liked to be hugged, but I’ll hug you if I think I, or you need one. I won’t tell you my entire story, and I don’t care about yours. If you’re funny I’ll laugh, if I feel sorry for you I’ll laugh even when you’re not. I don’t want your opinion on my actions. I’m selfish. I’m diabolical. If you offend me, even unintentionally, I’ll make you regret it. I’m not polite. If you get on my bad side, annoying you will be my favorite hobby. Fairness means squat to me. I’ll do what I please. One day I’ll love you, another day I may not care. But I will always be there for you. There will be no one who can do it better than me. I’ll judge you. I judge your every move. I will always have an opinion but I won’t share it unless I have the necessity to. I’m unstable. My state of mind changes once in every fraction of a second. So, impressing me once, it is of no use. 

This is who I am, or at least a part of it. You want the whole story? you figure it out. All that I have to say is that I wont change. I’ll continue being me and dream of that person who accepts me for everything I am. I think you owe it to yourselves too. To continue being yourselves. Otherwise you’ll never know what YOU really are and what people think of that ‘you’. 

 

The Obsessive Writer.

This one’s for my followers, (if there are any of you out there)

It’s been brought to my attention that I have a serious writing problem. At the sight of a laptop or simply paper, pen and a little free time, I start writing like a crazy person and the “crazy writing” apparently, has to go. But then, in a way I think they’re right. When you have a voice in this world and absolutely no restrictions it is very easy to lose yourself and just go on blabbing which is what I think I’ve been doing a lot lately. I’m having a tough load at school too, since I’m in final year and all.

So, I’m strictly restricting posting anymore than two posts a week. There will be a post every saturday night and one other post if I can’t suppress the writing urge on any other day of the week, which I sadly can’t predict. So, anyone who’s up for more “ME”, do follow and check my blog every Saturday night at 10, Indian Standard Time. I guarantee some interesting stuff. 🙂 See ya every Saturday!

Love, The obsessive writer.