Change is Everything.

There are always those times in our lives where we just sit around doubting ourselves. Maybe you failed a test, let a patient die, or just simply make the wrong call at the wrong time. There’s no telling what sets the insecurities in motion, but we all go through it at one point of time. Being yourself is really important. What happens when being yourself conflicts with your own principles? You change. You “right your wrongs”. You keep your eyes wide open and stay vigilant to minimize all possible errors. If the ‘wrong’ is something you possess, you start working to change it, or lose it. Whatever suits you best. 

Change is everything. It is the course of life. In fact, it is life. We’d not exist if it weren’t for evolution. Among all the things that ‘change’ is, it is also bad. At least in my case. Changing the person you are at the very molecule of your being can be disastrous. What started out as a positive effort just ended up turning me into a sad person.

How do you know when you have to change yourself, when you can’t possibly say anything is right or wrong? The alternative would be listing out the pros and con’s, based on what overweighs what, you make your call. Well, that is at least what I did. As shocking as that MAY sound, yes, I’m not entirely pleased with myself. Nobody is. Some of us learn to make peace with it, some of us don’t and the unfortunate lot of us don’t really know enough to begin with. 

Originality, and being real always seemed more important to me than being liked. Like all good things in course of time that changed too. Nobody liked me and I wanted that to change. I was popular, I was adored, admired, I had people wanting to be me, but no one liked me. Maybe it was growing up, maybe it was all that I’d been through. I didn’t want to face the world alone anymore. I wanted that shoulder to lean on, you know? Well, I never wanted to face anything alone, but I was used to it. It was normal, crying myself to sleep, consoling myself, making my own happiness. I guess, being an only child of a broken marriage kind of teaches you all that. It was like, I’d done all my homework and it was time to relax and let go. I wanted someone else to take turns in making my life easier. 

For anything you want, you have to work. Work real hard, even give up something. To get people to like me, I had to change. The price was steep, but the merchandise was just too captivating to live without. I told myself that it was me becoming a better person. I swear to you, I have NO idea what that means, but I told myself that and it actually comforted me. A short temper, is a nasty little thing. No one likes a meany. I am a meany. It’s what I am more than anything else so it naturally was the first on the “has to go” list. I suppressed every surge of fury within me and put up a pretty little smile that had a serious effect on people. Oh, don’t even assume, I’ll never be the sweet little angel. People still think I’m a meany but just, a little less of one now. I tolerated idiots to the might of my will. As infuriating as that was, I told myself I was becoming a better person. 

I never shared. I was convinced that letting out too much gives people more room to make an idiot out of you and basically hold yourself against you. But you can’t make friends unless you share, can you? Away that went. I trusted people with personal things. Even though I knew telling them won’t change a thing, I just did, to let them know that I wanted to tell them. And then I bonded some more. Sharing is a very effective way to bond. There’s nothing that brings people together like sharing. I always spoke more than i listened. So I shut up and put my ears to good use. I’m not stupid, so I understood what they said and gave them a remarkably good response that I always knew I was capable of, it didn’t make me feel any better about myself but them on the other hand it helped. They wanted to talk to me more. Hence, more people. 

This went on and on and on, and now I have quite a LOT of people. People who need me often, so often that it tired me out. My play time after work, now feels like more homework. I now need a play time after my play time. That’s when it all went wrong. Everything that I did for everybody was apparently giving false hope. I was showing them something that didn’t exist. I care, but not that much. I’m nice, but not that nice. I understand, but not that well. I want to, but not that much. At those times where I take a break, everyone realizes it too. And what do they do? Blame me. For all the false hope. When you push yourself for someone, you create expectations. They’ll believe that you can always push harder. It’s that sad kind of ironic now. My ‘wrong’ itself was changing myself. It cost me a lot of happy days, too many unnecessary sacrifices. It end’s now. 

I’m grumpy every morning. I’m lazy. I won’t remember your birthday, I’m just naturally bad with dates. I won’t remember the important stuff you tell me because they may not be important to me. I don’t always explain myself, but you can tell me your problems. I enjoy being sarcastic no matter who it hurts or offends. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I pray. I don’t liked to be hugged, but I’ll hug you if I think I, or you need one. I won’t tell you my entire story, and I don’t care about yours. If you’re funny I’ll laugh, if I feel sorry for you I’ll laugh even when you’re not. I don’t want your opinion on my actions. I’m selfish. I’m diabolical. If you offend me, even unintentionally, I’ll make you regret it. I’m not polite. If you get on my bad side, annoying you will be my favorite hobby. Fairness means squat to me. I’ll do what I please. One day I’ll love you, another day I may not care. But I will always be there for you. There will be no one who can do it better than me. I’ll judge you. I judge your every move. I will always have an opinion but I won’t share it unless I have the necessity to. I’m unstable. My state of mind changes once in every fraction of a second. So, impressing me once, it is of no use. 

This is who I am, or at least a part of it. You want the whole story? you figure it out. All that I have to say is that I wont change. I’ll continue being me and dream of that person who accepts me for everything I am. I think you owe it to yourselves too. To continue being yourselves. Otherwise you’ll never know what YOU really are and what people think of that ‘you’. 

 

You, yes you!

You’re you.

Everything in your life is you.

What happens when you turn into someone else?

Do you ever feel like we lose a little bit of ourselves in everything in our lives? Our personalities are imprinted into everything related to us. Like DNA among blood relatives. Just like our tissue can be traced back to us. Our belongings: virItual, abstract or real can be linked to us as well!

Reading a post “Define yourself” from an amazing blog,

Daydreamsandferriswheels.wordpress.com

And watching a few sherlock episodes initiated this train of thought.

Be it a like or dislike, a choice, a password, the attire, a possession, the career, passion, the people you choose and the relationships you choose to have with them, the lifestyle! Everything associated with you is very much related to you. When you think of it, either it brims with your personality or it is characterised by a deep desire. Am I wrong? I bet I’m not.

Who you are is reflected in everything in your life, what happens when you start being someone else?

Yes, it happens to everybody. There are times in our lives when we are insecure and low that we start hating or considering ourselves to have an unsatisfactory personality, that we decide that being someone else, someone better may change things. For those of you going through this, YES. It will. There will be a change. You might even become more popular and liked among people. But what you should know is that they don’t like you. They only like how well you’ve become the other person. It’s barely an appreciation to your mirroring ability or whatever the shrinks say!

I do something similar, but different. I change who I am with people. But the “different” part is that I’m a different person with everyone. I was gifted with the ability of not being a moron and understanding the people around me. I use said “superpowers” to deduct what they like and simply be that to them. Although I am not doing this for the same reasons it’s still similar. Anyone following my blogs will know that I’m a pretty (understating it) confident person. I put on this “chameleon” act ’cause sometimes I’m just scared. Scared that revealing too much will make me vulnerable. Well, I am a work in progress! But there’s never a time, where people are ever unclear about who I am. That is something I’d never let happen. I cherish who I am at all times and make sure people see it well enough to do so as well! 😀

But in this process I’ve seen people lose their identity. Not only are they making themselves seem common but they also rob everyone of the opportunity of meeting this type of human.

All I have is one question for you. Are you just “everybody”?

A big fat Maybe

Maybe.

That was my state of mind about writing this post. Dear education board: This is what happens when you suck the life out of every student with endless exams. But, I guess, I needed this break. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to write about. I actually had quite a lot of things I’d have liked to get out of my system and on to a paper. This was a more of a self induced writer’s block. I guess, I wanted to leave the whole “venting routine” out of my next post. 

One thing I know for sure is that every experience we have in life has something to do with who we are inside. The way we react to it depends on our character. I was always a polite person. (Yes, I realize how contradicting that maybe to my previous violent outbursts but, that’s only on paper guys! :D) As I was saying, I’m polite. As much as I love bringing people to their knees for not treating me right, I don’t get to that point of confrontation until it reaches that limit where it totally pisses me off. There’s this brief period of time where I put up with everything, with a smile on my face. 

This time that smile was more of a controlled frown. A lot of things irritate me but, what occupies the top of that list is people taking advantage of me. Especially people I don’t like. My recent unfortunate encounter was with this specific, annoying freeloader. Girl drama is the one thing in this world that can make me bolt, quite literally. Being the straight-forward person I am, the fake smiles and scheming bitchyness don’t come easily to me. But beware, I got the hang of it a while ago. 😉 The “maybe” here is that the girl reaches out to me at the weirdest of times and requests my company. Then it all goes to hell and she-devil unleashes her vanity. Maybe she just needs some help and the sad part is that I’m the only one who even understands that. 

Idiocy. That’s definitely number two on the list. Have you ever just went on ranting and gave this huge explanation to a complete dumbass who just sits there blinking? Let me tell you how that feels. It is the worst thing that can ever happen to you. 😐 That person may not even be dumb generally. Even a close friend who’s obnoxious to rational explanations can do the trick! Maybe it’s because I understand people that I expect them to return the favour. 

We all believe in something or someone. Be it God, religion, hope, love,  luck, a role model even, but there is always something. The belief in abstract things generally have a lower risk of infidelity. People on the other hand, that’s a whole new scenario. Fickle. fickle beings we are. In the blink of an eye the groom gets left at the altar, there’s a change in course in a love triangle, the people you believe in fail you. People you thought you knew turn out to be different sometimes. It maybe a bad thing or maybe just something you’re not okay with. 

This is a state of grace
This is the worthwhile fight
Love is a ruthless game
Unless you play it good and right
These are the hands of fate
You’re my Achilles heel
This is the golden age of something good and right and real
                                                                                              – Taylor Swift, State of Grace. 

Life is all about the maybe’s. The only certainty in life is its uncertainty. We have weaknesses that make every decision and opinion a blur. In my case, it’s the short temper and irritability which end up becoming the reasons for my rash actions. What do you think is your Achilles heel?