Who I wanna be.

When we’re down, every little flaw around us is obvious. Even a tiny bump in the road can seem like a matter of concern. I get so pissed sometimes.. for absolutely nothing. Must be all the studying I’m having to do lately. All the time away from my people. I get murderous every time my Giraffe of a benchmate hides my view of the cute guy or when one of my naturally annoying teachers decide to be a little more annoying. As I drown in that ocean of contempt for literally “every fucking thing”, comes along math class to resuscitate me.

No, I was never a huge fan of Math. Didn’t like it, didn’t hate it. This year, however, it’s different and THAT I’m grateful for. I’ve met a lot of people in my life. Interesting, good, bad, lame, moral, and on goes the list. But, never have I ever met someone like my Math teacher. He is hands down the best Math teacher there ever will be and also happens to be an even more exceptional person. Exceptional enough to have me waiting for Math class every day.

We see flawless people on TV everyday. I do, I mean, I’m a Sherlockian! But this is my first encounter with such flawlessness in reality. I can’t even begin to understand how someone with accomplishments this huge, could be so kind, down to earth. In a world where children are considered to be hilariously inferior to adults, this man treats us like we matter. Perhaps it’s all of his well earned respect, that makes it seem like impressing him with our potential will be one of our greatest achievements. We don’t know much about his personal life, or his life out of school itself to begin with. The thing is, I don’t think anyone cares! He is our Math teacher and how he is with us is all that matters.

All my life I had the idea that image was everything. Knowing how to handle people and getting them to think, what I’d like them to think of me was my life’s goal because I come from a generation where everyone admire good looking people with a sharp tongue and “cool stuff”. I see the vanity in all that now.

Character is everything. When no one who knows you would want to change a thing about you, THAT’s respect and THAT is the respect I hope to earn someday. If a person can make even MATH seem interesting, then THAT is the kind of people’s skill I’d like for myself. If I am ever known as somebody, someone like him is who I wanna be. What about you?

You, yes you!

You’re you.

Everything in your life is you.

What happens when you turn into someone else?

Do you ever feel like we lose a little bit of ourselves in everything in our lives? Our personalities are imprinted into everything related to us. Like DNA among blood relatives. Just like our tissue can be traced back to us. Our belongings: virItual, abstract or real can be linked to us as well!

Reading a post “Define yourself” from an amazing blog,

Daydreamsandferriswheels.wordpress.com

And watching a few sherlock episodes initiated this train of thought.

Be it a like or dislike, a choice, a password, the attire, a possession, the career, passion, the people you choose and the relationships you choose to have with them, the lifestyle! Everything associated with you is very much related to you. When you think of it, either it brims with your personality or it is characterised by a deep desire. Am I wrong? I bet I’m not.

Who you are is reflected in everything in your life, what happens when you start being someone else?

Yes, it happens to everybody. There are times in our lives when we are insecure and low that we start hating or considering ourselves to have an unsatisfactory personality, that we decide that being someone else, someone better may change things. For those of you going through this, YES. It will. There will be a change. You might even become more popular and liked among people. But what you should know is that they don’t like you. They only like how well you’ve become the other person. It’s barely an appreciation to your mirroring ability or whatever the shrinks say!

I do something similar, but different. I change who I am with people. But the “different” part is that I’m a different person with everyone. I was gifted with the ability of not being a moron and understanding the people around me. I use said “superpowers” to deduct what they like and simply be that to them. Although I am not doing this for the same reasons it’s still similar. Anyone following my blogs will know that I’m a pretty (understating it) confident person. I put on this “chameleon” act ’cause sometimes I’m just scared. Scared that revealing too much will make me vulnerable. Well, I am a work in progress! But there’s never a time, where people are ever unclear about who I am. That is something I’d never let happen. I cherish who I am at all times and make sure people see it well enough to do so as well! 😀

But in this process I’ve seen people lose their identity. Not only are they making themselves seem common but they also rob everyone of the opportunity of meeting this type of human.

All I have is one question for you. Are you just “everybody”?

The good, the bad and the original.

When I was little, the one piece of advice my sister always stressed upon was that it was very important to be unique. She’d say, “Anybody can be cool, but not Everybody has what it takes to be original”. Sometimes I’d think she said that just to spite me because I copied her lot. You know how little sisters are! 😀 I know now, being a sixteen year old, originality is something I rarely see. But then, is that all that’s important? Unique people are fascinating and interesting even but, they’re not always good. Their speciality sometimes takes a detour through psycho town. At times like that i realize I’d rather have a considerate, good person in my life than a “unique” pain in the neck.

Freedom.

What comes to your mind when you think of the word?

My think box is flooded with things like:

loneliness, courage, desire, bird, adult, emancipation, college, 1947, democracy, wind, wisdom, latenights, party, people….. And it goes on.

But you know what real freedom is? Freedom from judgement. Some people just go around walking the earth like they own it. I’m one of ’em. Ironically, when another self-centered know-it-all comes around talking to me like they own me, THAT, I’m not okay with.

Some people can be plain horrible. Inspiring but horrible. I met someone like that. Someone who had me worshipping him from day one. His high authority probably added to my reverence for him. The most inspiring teacher I’d ever met. In course of time the inspiration turned to intimidation and that my friends is what I’m here venting about. The man who first sowed my interest in the subject now makes me hate it. How am I supposed to deal with that?

I just tell myself and everyone else out there who have to go through this,

Don’t you worry, don’t you worry child
See heaven has a plan for you
                   -Swedish House Mafia.

When you’re in the ocean, be the shark. It’s better to be feared than to fear. There will always be dominating, inconsiderate people out there who just don’t give a damn. Getting through it with a straight face seems good enough for someone my age.

I wanted to be him from my first class. I wanted to be the man who now scares the hell out of me. This paradox of sorts has now got me rethinking who I wanna be.

Is it more important to be that demanding person who constantly has everyone under her spell or a noble, kind person procuring the attention and warmth of people who simply love being around me? So, I once again rely on the sole fact that I could be the grey. Not black, not white. The exception I always dreamed of being. What about you?

A big fat Maybe

Maybe.

That was my state of mind about writing this post. Dear education board: This is what happens when you suck the life out of every student with endless exams. But, I guess, I needed this break. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to write about. I actually had quite a lot of things I’d have liked to get out of my system and on to a paper. This was a more of a self induced writer’s block. I guess, I wanted to leave the whole “venting routine” out of my next post. 

One thing I know for sure is that every experience we have in life has something to do with who we are inside. The way we react to it depends on our character. I was always a polite person. (Yes, I realize how contradicting that maybe to my previous violent outbursts but, that’s only on paper guys! :D) As I was saying, I’m polite. As much as I love bringing people to their knees for not treating me right, I don’t get to that point of confrontation until it reaches that limit where it totally pisses me off. There’s this brief period of time where I put up with everything, with a smile on my face. 

This time that smile was more of a controlled frown. A lot of things irritate me but, what occupies the top of that list is people taking advantage of me. Especially people I don’t like. My recent unfortunate encounter was with this specific, annoying freeloader. Girl drama is the one thing in this world that can make me bolt, quite literally. Being the straight-forward person I am, the fake smiles and scheming bitchyness don’t come easily to me. But beware, I got the hang of it a while ago. 😉 The “maybe” here is that the girl reaches out to me at the weirdest of times and requests my company. Then it all goes to hell and she-devil unleashes her vanity. Maybe she just needs some help and the sad part is that I’m the only one who even understands that. 

Idiocy. That’s definitely number two on the list. Have you ever just went on ranting and gave this huge explanation to a complete dumbass who just sits there blinking? Let me tell you how that feels. It is the worst thing that can ever happen to you. 😐 That person may not even be dumb generally. Even a close friend who’s obnoxious to rational explanations can do the trick! Maybe it’s because I understand people that I expect them to return the favour. 

We all believe in something or someone. Be it God, religion, hope, love,  luck, a role model even, but there is always something. The belief in abstract things generally have a lower risk of infidelity. People on the other hand, that’s a whole new scenario. Fickle. fickle beings we are. In the blink of an eye the groom gets left at the altar, there’s a change in course in a love triangle, the people you believe in fail you. People you thought you knew turn out to be different sometimes. It maybe a bad thing or maybe just something you’re not okay with. 

This is a state of grace
This is the worthwhile fight
Love is a ruthless game
Unless you play it good and right
These are the hands of fate
You’re my Achilles heel
This is the golden age of something good and right and real
                                                                                              – Taylor Swift, State of Grace. 

Life is all about the maybe’s. The only certainty in life is its uncertainty. We have weaknesses that make every decision and opinion a blur. In my case, it’s the short temper and irritability which end up becoming the reasons for my rash actions. What do you think is your Achilles heel?