What’s in a Name? – The Story behind my Blog’s title.

It is the first and foremost thing we judge everything around us by. If you met someone by a name that was long enough to be it’s own sentence, wouldn’t that catch your attention? I am Abirami Vellingiri Thirunavukkarasu. There. Say it without taking a breath in between. I dare you. Doesn’t knowing my full name change anything? Doesn’t it somehow change the way you look at me?

Abirami is a Hindu Goddess. My father being the religious man he is, obviously named me after a deity. My name speaks of my background, my roots. So you are indeed right to judge me by my name.

I still remember the days I spent, tormenting myself over what I would name my new puppy. After weeks of lists and agonising over various spellings, I landed on Dobby. I’ve always loved Dobby from Harry Potter and I decided I wanted my own little Dobby. But, as soon as I met my little pupper I knew that the name wasn’t right. He wasn’t that sweet, sad little elf. He was a happy, energetic, feisty little furball. And so he became Leo. I know that it’s a generic name for a labrador. But whenever I hear the name, my heart immediately feels fuller, I can feel the joy spread through my very bones. Names sometimes acquire meanings because of what they represent.

There’s a lot in a name.

I started this blog as a teenage misfit. Teenblogzz seemed like an appropriate name at the time. Over time, I have grown out of it. Since a name means so much I decided that it was time I made a change. That is why, now, at the top of your browser it says “obsessivewriting.wordpress.com” instead of “teenblogzz.wordpress.com”.

Its a weird choice of word, “Obsessive”. Weird just like me. That is how I truly look at writing. It’s something I have to do. Maybe it’s for self satisfaction, or maybe it’s my only outlet. Whatever the reason, it’s always been my obsession.

So what’s the story behind your blog?

– The Obsessive Writer.

The End of an Era.

The times have changed.
I know, that’s an over-rated thing to say: especially for me. In the last few months, I’ve been going on and on about how growing up has been all about tough choices, studying to get into college and facing the “world” whatever the hell that is, I’ve taken too long to notice that in a while I’m not going to be in school anymore…

*dramatic pause*

No more skank walks down the hall way with my so called “possy”, no more pranks on innocent bystanders, no more laughing for the dumbest jokes in class, no more having sarcastic things to say about everything and everyone, no more of these amazing people I’ve spent six years of my life with.. And that is going to suck. I know, like they all say, “we’ll stay in touch” but you know that’s not the same. I’ll not be rolling with this crowd anymore and that’s got me feeling nostalgic.

I don’t recollect ever making a huge deal about knowing them. It didn’t even matter. We were all just together for some reason whatsoever. I realize now, how much they truly mattered. How they’re the reason I am who I am. This place, it’s home. And that is where I know my heart will always be.

I feel like this is my practise good bye speech. Man, thinking of the goodbyes is sort of making my heart ache, quite literally. I’ve never liked goodbyes. But, something tells me these guys can come up with some sort of a interesting twist to just about anything. Oh well, here’s to another beautiful day of high-school or what’s left of it! 😀

Growin’ Up.

Early mornings, late nights and busy days is my whole life lately. Despite the hectic schedule I go on building castles in the air and dealing with every aspect of life as I used to, before. I was wrong to think this year would be all about school. Life is the same.. just a little faster. Things have gotten more serious. Life, school, people… relationships. Everyone cares lately. Even those wannabe hipsters. Human companionships seem more tolerable now. I guess this is why they call it growing UP.. everything’s getting well, deeper. 

Friends, I’ve always had ’em. I even have the best one in the whole world. However, not at school. It used to be just fake relationships. People I just had occasional fun with and gossipped to. I never really got along with girls. I never fit in as another small town girl. But lately there’s been a lot of bonding. Perhaps its the affection of having been together for so long or maybe it’s all the common ground we have. Regardless, people I never thought much of turned out to be my friends for real. I always liked life better when I had my “people” with me. Now that I know that a few are really MY people it’s actually even better. The fake people are still here. The bubble around me is still intact. I’m just not worried about it poppin’ no more. 

I find myself handling things so much easier. Control is like second nature to me lately. I’m no longer that impulsive little girl who was hell bent on making a point. But I’m still me. I still get furious enough to want to kill when enraged. I wake up from the same side of my bed. I still let my music decide my mood for the day. I still write my heart out. I still believe, hope, dream. In fact, with time, I just become a little more me. Perhaps with a little touch of diplomacy here and there. 😀 

When I remember all that people, obviously older people, and what they said about Growing up and how it complicates life and I think, what did they even mean? So far, growing up, for me has been legendary in every way. What’s anything without a challenge or a few complications? Through it all, I’m still standing, aren’t I? well, that’s as good as it gets! 

 

Change is Everything.

There are always those times in our lives where we just sit around doubting ourselves. Maybe you failed a test, let a patient die, or just simply make the wrong call at the wrong time. There’s no telling what sets the insecurities in motion, but we all go through it at one point of time. Being yourself is really important. What happens when being yourself conflicts with your own principles? You change. You “right your wrongs”. You keep your eyes wide open and stay vigilant to minimize all possible errors. If the ‘wrong’ is something you possess, you start working to change it, or lose it. Whatever suits you best. 

Change is everything. It is the course of life. In fact, it is life. We’d not exist if it weren’t for evolution. Among all the things that ‘change’ is, it is also bad. At least in my case. Changing the person you are at the very molecule of your being can be disastrous. What started out as a positive effort just ended up turning me into a sad person.

How do you know when you have to change yourself, when you can’t possibly say anything is right or wrong? The alternative would be listing out the pros and con’s, based on what overweighs what, you make your call. Well, that is at least what I did. As shocking as that MAY sound, yes, I’m not entirely pleased with myself. Nobody is. Some of us learn to make peace with it, some of us don’t and the unfortunate lot of us don’t really know enough to begin with. 

Originality, and being real always seemed more important to me than being liked. Like all good things in course of time that changed too. Nobody liked me and I wanted that to change. I was popular, I was adored, admired, I had people wanting to be me, but no one liked me. Maybe it was growing up, maybe it was all that I’d been through. I didn’t want to face the world alone anymore. I wanted that shoulder to lean on, you know? Well, I never wanted to face anything alone, but I was used to it. It was normal, crying myself to sleep, consoling myself, making my own happiness. I guess, being an only child of a broken marriage kind of teaches you all that. It was like, I’d done all my homework and it was time to relax and let go. I wanted someone else to take turns in making my life easier. 

For anything you want, you have to work. Work real hard, even give up something. To get people to like me, I had to change. The price was steep, but the merchandise was just too captivating to live without. I told myself that it was me becoming a better person. I swear to you, I have NO idea what that means, but I told myself that and it actually comforted me. A short temper, is a nasty little thing. No one likes a meany. I am a meany. It’s what I am more than anything else so it naturally was the first on the “has to go” list. I suppressed every surge of fury within me and put up a pretty little smile that had a serious effect on people. Oh, don’t even assume, I’ll never be the sweet little angel. People still think I’m a meany but just, a little less of one now. I tolerated idiots to the might of my will. As infuriating as that was, I told myself I was becoming a better person. 

I never shared. I was convinced that letting out too much gives people more room to make an idiot out of you and basically hold yourself against you. But you can’t make friends unless you share, can you? Away that went. I trusted people with personal things. Even though I knew telling them won’t change a thing, I just did, to let them know that I wanted to tell them. And then I bonded some more. Sharing is a very effective way to bond. There’s nothing that brings people together like sharing. I always spoke more than i listened. So I shut up and put my ears to good use. I’m not stupid, so I understood what they said and gave them a remarkably good response that I always knew I was capable of, it didn’t make me feel any better about myself but them on the other hand it helped. They wanted to talk to me more. Hence, more people. 

This went on and on and on, and now I have quite a LOT of people. People who need me often, so often that it tired me out. My play time after work, now feels like more homework. I now need a play time after my play time. That’s when it all went wrong. Everything that I did for everybody was apparently giving false hope. I was showing them something that didn’t exist. I care, but not that much. I’m nice, but not that nice. I understand, but not that well. I want to, but not that much. At those times where I take a break, everyone realizes it too. And what do they do? Blame me. For all the false hope. When you push yourself for someone, you create expectations. They’ll believe that you can always push harder. It’s that sad kind of ironic now. My ‘wrong’ itself was changing myself. It cost me a lot of happy days, too many unnecessary sacrifices. It end’s now. 

I’m grumpy every morning. I’m lazy. I won’t remember your birthday, I’m just naturally bad with dates. I won’t remember the important stuff you tell me because they may not be important to me. I don’t always explain myself, but you can tell me your problems. I enjoy being sarcastic no matter who it hurts or offends. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I pray. I don’t liked to be hugged, but I’ll hug you if I think I, or you need one. I won’t tell you my entire story, and I don’t care about yours. If you’re funny I’ll laugh, if I feel sorry for you I’ll laugh even when you’re not. I don’t want your opinion on my actions. I’m selfish. I’m diabolical. If you offend me, even unintentionally, I’ll make you regret it. I’m not polite. If you get on my bad side, annoying you will be my favorite hobby. Fairness means squat to me. I’ll do what I please. One day I’ll love you, another day I may not care. But I will always be there for you. There will be no one who can do it better than me. I’ll judge you. I judge your every move. I will always have an opinion but I won’t share it unless I have the necessity to. I’m unstable. My state of mind changes once in every fraction of a second. So, impressing me once, it is of no use. 

This is who I am, or at least a part of it. You want the whole story? you figure it out. All that I have to say is that I wont change. I’ll continue being me and dream of that person who accepts me for everything I am. I think you owe it to yourselves too. To continue being yourselves. Otherwise you’ll never know what YOU really are and what people think of that ‘you’. 

 

Be Heard!

I find myself typing away at my laptop a lot recently. I wonder if it is because my school re-opens shortly and I won’t have time to anymore. Around here 12th grade is like the end of the world. Not a soul looks at it like another year at school. Perhaps, it is special, because its the senior year of high-school, the final step before you move off to college and everything but that’s not really why they make a huge deal out of it here.The 12th board exam is like the most serious thing that happens every year. It’s a bigger deal than the elections! Getting through the ordeal they make out of it is like crossing the seven oceans without a boat. I see this huge impenetrable mound of textbooks…I look away and focus on my writing for now. 

Coming back to the post, I’ve a question for you.

Why do you think we’re here?

We all have a purpose in life. A destiny chosen by our fate and all that crap which is not what I’m talking about. This is more of a basic, preliminary purpose of our life. A life that ends without having made a difference is a pointless one. That difference every ambitious soul out here wants to make needs a voice, and the loudest one is heard. 

The most popular topic of recent times are the upcoming Lok Sabha elections in India. All the voters out there, isn’t this a nice time to use that voice of yours? I never really write about controversial topics if I can help it but, this controversy is sort of embedded into my life. Having a politician for a Dad makes you have an opinion or two. I see them here everyday campaigning for their party out loud with their colorful banners afloat. It’s either criticizing the opposing party or exaggerating their own capabilities. The false promises are sometimes so obvious. Yet, we don’t lose hope. The mass population holds on to the hope that there are a few good people out there who really do want to change the world. The promise in the air seems so fragile with a majority of the population being succumbed to the bribing tactics of our very sly wannabe leaders. Votes, how easy are to procure you ask? It is as easy as “donating” a household appliance. In a way the world is not even affordable lately but then in another way it’s getting as cheap as shit. No wonder all the young minds in the population strongly disapprove of any involvement in politics. 

The NOTA (None Of The Above) option in the voting system is becoming increasingly popular among the first time voters. Being another fellow teenager I know how easy it must be to not have to think about who is less corrupted and simply just voting for nobody. But, if you ask me, that’s not really the smart thing to do. The teenagers of today are the future, aren’t they? Where do you think this world is going to end up if all you care about is keeping your hands clean and minding your own business. It is your country too. More than anyone else, you are capable of bringing about the most radical change. What happens when the actual doers just want to sit back and watch the show? There will be no change, will there? Isn’t it kind of ironic that, just because you want to be cautious of choosing the wrong person you are ready to give up the right to pick the right person? When none of us are ready to trust the middle-old aged public to even influence us and our lifestyle, how is it that you’re okay with them deciding the fate of your country? 

A little over 20% of the total electorate consisting of 814 million are of the age 18-25. 20% may not seem like a lot, but you’d be surprised about the amount of change you can make in this country with that 20%. The remaining 80% consists of:

a) Fragile minded people who can easily be bought. All they care about is temporary well-being due to their poverty ridden state. The less fortunate people who are easier to take advantage of.

b)The relatives of the candidates participating in the election or simply just involved in the party who have a very biased idea on who to vote for. 

c)”Not-so-fragile but happen to be pretty sly and are very keen on selling their votes”-people. 

d)The reliable ones who actually vote with the right intentions in their mind. But, unfortunately that is a very small number. 

When you just decide to keep your hands clean and let the rest of the country take responsibility for the leaders they choose, I’d suggest you first look at the reality of situation. The idea behind NOTA was to ensure no foul play using the votes of citizens who didn’t vote. It’s only goal is to keep record of the population that normally doesn’t vote. A series of delusions have led to the idea that this is some how a way to free yourself from the burden of choice. By not making a choice, you are still to blame for leaving the country’s fate out there to be taken advantage of. 

I guess in a way, I’m campaigning too. Pushing you to make a choice and not simply stay out of the race! what’s the fun in that? Having the power to decide who rules you is a basic necessity. Why give that up? We live in a world where the teenagers of today spend a fair amount of time choosing between brands and nail polish colors. Wanting the best is what we all have in common. If you spend all that time making those little choices. I bet you’d want to think way harder for things like this. Bigger things.You’re all given a voice. It is your choice to speak up and be heard or simply be another fragment in the echo. In a previous post I went on to give a detailed theory on how our choices make us who we are. So, does that make you a “none of the above”? You might want to think about that.