I never know how to begin posts. Maybe that is just a reflection of the fact that I never initiate conversations. Everything is so weirdly twisted together in life. A slight nudge in the corner can bring the whole thing down. Every single train of thought feels like a dream. Unpredictable, out of reach.. Tired. One second I’m happy and another I’m at rock bottom. As each day passes I get more indecisive, or do I? I can’t decide.
Nothing horrible is happening to me. Nothing wonderful either. Things are average. BOY do I hate average or what! But I feel like getting up and changing it all for myself is too much work. Give me a place to rest my head and I’m okay for now. What do you do when you want something and that something keeps you from having something else that you want? Ultimately you end up dissatisfied, regardless. Is this one of those cruelly ironic things again? What you want, is pretty much exactly what you don’t want.
Ha, irony. Its been a while. Every conversation feels forced. Every second I spend shining only wears me out. What’s the point of being awesome then? Whatever you do for someone today, they will forget tomorrow. Why not just ignore it and not waste time? Why even bother with life, when you can sleep? Ah.. Sleep. A world of solitude. The soothing blackness. It all seems so.. Consuming. Hmm..Choices.. So many choices. Isn’t this fun? But the possibility of what you wanted for yourself turning out to be bad kind of kills appeal to the whole institution of “figuring things out”. What do you do then? Simply restrict all options to a sole path? You’d be choosing either way. Only making less effort this time.
Shouldn’t have done this, shouldn’t have said that, all the regret is painfully resonating and all for what? NOTHING.
That’s how everything ends, right? Hopes, dreams, relationships.. Life.
Is this depression?
This must be my first taste of it.